I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
