Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
