If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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