What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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