Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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