So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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