Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
