You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
