:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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