Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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