Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
