he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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