Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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