Cold hands, warm shart.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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