I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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