There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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