He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
