If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
