You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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