I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
