If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
