remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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