they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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