Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
