I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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