In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
