Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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