At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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