I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I queefed so loud it echoed.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I AM VODKA MAN
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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