I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize