Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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