I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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