he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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