She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
