Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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