she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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