Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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