my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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