i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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