Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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