on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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