im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
