There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
