so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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