my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize