at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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