I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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