I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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