I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
