I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
