Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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