do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
