grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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