it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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