That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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