Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
