i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
