thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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